It’s DISORDER at the BORDER: hordes of violent and sexually deviant Central Americans are sloughing over our porous southern boundary like backwash beer through a poorly-shotgunned PBR. There are too many of these guys to count but they’re all certifiably cartel-affiliated and each poses such a serious danger to our kids that not even our customary six-hour iPad binges will be able save them. With all this carnage deathbound for American soil, there’s only one thing that’ll stop these bloodthirsty Mexicans and Mexican-adjacents: gathering as many old white Facebook users as we can muster, putting them vaguely near the border, and supporting their effort with as many memes as our outdated inkjet printers can pump out.

I can’t stress this enough: these migrants are BAD NEWS. Each and every one of them is a valid suspect in every beheading, shootout, and that thing where gang members flash their headlights at you so they can kill you from here to Oaxaca. Coward Joe Biden isn’t man enough to send them back — he wants to name them all to the Supreme Court — so the only thing that’ll turn the tide is us showing up and printing over our Q-Anon Merch and drag brunch rejection letters with new imagery like the Punisher logo (I’ll be honest this one gets me halfway there) or Donald Trump’s head photoshopped onto the body of a healthier man.

I don’t want to get lost in the salsa freedom ketchup here: it’s not just the violence. The economy’s been in freefall for exactly three years, gas just hit thirty-four dollars a gallon, and I’m getting tired of spending half my paycheck on woke products and ammunition with which to appropriately destroy them. Meanwhile, companies like Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta (unaffiliated with my Facebook page — I reposted a paragraph about how I do not consent to anyone else owning the content I willingly uploaded) and Hillary Clinton’s Enron are lining up for the opportunity to offer these once-and-future felons fully-salaried remote work positions replete with 401ks and competitive benefits packages.

Do you think that’s okay?? Need I remind you that these people have topped Forbes’s Laziest Immigrant list every year since its renaming in 1865? Not a single one of these interlopers is capable of working as hard as sturdy Americans like us who will spend the next two weeks driving from faraway homes down to the border to protest in the hours between our nine o’clock bedtimes and happy hour at the nearest Margaritaville.

Liberals, haters, and the devils I legitimately believe people the earth will tell you that all of this effort is for naught, that there’s nothing we can achieve by standing vigilant watch as the demon men clutching their false wives and children who are really short men in Dora the Explorer t-shirts simply wait a few hours to cross. These “people” are truly deserving of each venom-laced “libtard” I can muster. For the consequences of our effort are obvious: Texans from just outside Dallas all the way to just outside Houston are calling for secession and second civil war. And if the south was soundly defeated the first time with an abundance of cheap labor, imagine how much damage we can do with none.

Fellow wolves can find me haggling for pants at the Sam’s Club in West Laredo. Liberals can go to hell.